I am the kind of person that strives for happiness. I suffer from clinical depression and I don’t get the opportunity to be happy a lot. So I fake it until I make it. And sometimes I come off as a bubbly “Disney Princess” type of girl, and that is okay with me.
Throughout junior high and high school, I was bitter and angry all the time. I didn’t think that what I was going through was fair and that like sucked. I had unfortunate event after unfortunate event crash down upon me and I felt like I was smothering. I alienated myself and made myself think that I was completely alone in a wretched world.
I was mean. I got annoyed with people quickly. I hated happy people because it wasn’t fair that they could be happy when I couldn’t, not matter how hard I tried to be happy.
I wasn’t any fun to be around because I was literally a fun vacuum. If I felt myself starting to have fun, I would think about something that made me mad, get angry and literally suck the fun out of the room.
All through high school I was like this and it was tiring. Being hateful and angry poisons you.
I was this way through my freshman year of college, and you find out fast that if you are an angry person, you don’t make a lot of friends, and when you do make friends they tell you how you are never happy and a drag to be around. Which is annoying and makes you even angrier. Being six hours away from home and only having one person that can stand being around your cranky ass makes college a lonely and scary place.
Being bitter about my past took a toll on me. I made some decisions I shouldn’t have and did some things that I would take back if I could, just so I could feel better about myself. But I realized, the only way to do that was to let go of all of the terrible things I was hanging onto.
And it literally felt like the world was lifted off of my shoulders. I forgave people that had hurt me, and forgave myself for what I was doing to myself. Hanging onto hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, all it does is kill you in the end.
So due to my human nature of self preservation, I decided it was time to save myself from me and realize that the only person truly doing me any wrong was, well, me. You can’t control how people treat you or the misfortunes that happen in life, but you can change how you react and feel about them. Happiness is a personal choice and I would chose being a Disney Princess over what I used to be anyway.