My alarm goes off and I blindly fumble around for my phone to cease the annoying tone that blares from my speakers. I roll over onto my back, I open my eyes, and then it begins.
It rolls in like a fog, thick and slow. And then out of nowhere, it consumes me completely. I feel like I am suffocating under it. Breathing in the cloud of sorrow, letting it poison me little by little.
It sits in my chest heavily and makes me feel like throwing up. I just want to go back to sleep and forget. I lay in bed, contemplating staying here. This is the kind of feeling that makes me want to curl up under my blankets and hide. I don’t want to talk to any one, I don’t have the motivation to do anything really. I feel so sick that I don’t even want to eat. I just want to lay in bed and sleep.
I force myself to get out of bed. It is an internal battle that I lose no matter the outcome. I can either lay in bed and sleep my life away, knowing the feeling will still be lurking when I wake up or I can get out of bed, paste a smile on my face, and pretend to live. It’s like a shadow that follows me around all day. A shadow that only I can see. Its icy hand grips mine and won’t let go.
Most of the day I am numb. I feel empty. And that is worse than the heavy feeling in my chest.
I have been fighting this battle for as long as I can remember. I have mastered the Disney Princess smile and the sing song voice. I am the happiest girl in the world to those on the outside. I smile, I laugh, I chat, and I joke.
I think the biggest joke, is my “happiness”