My Slice Of Life: Confession

My alarm goes off and I blindly fumble around for my phone to cease the annoying tone that blares from my speakers. I roll over onto my back, I open my eyes, and then it begins.

It rolls in like a fog, thick and slow. And then out of nowhere, it consumes me completely. I feel like I am suffocating under it. Breathing in the cloud of sorrow, letting it poison me little by little.

It sits in my chest heavily and makes me feel like throwing up. I just want to go back to sleep and forget. I lay in bed, contemplating staying here. This is the kind of feeling that makes me want to curl up under my blankets and hide. I don’t want to talk to any one, I don’t have the motivation to do anything really. I feel so sick that I don’t even want to eat. I just want to lay in bed and sleep.

I force myself to get out of bed. It is an internal battle that I lose no matter the outcome. I can either lay in bed and sleep my life away, knowing the feeling will still be lurking when I wake up or I can get out of bed, paste a smile on my face, and pretend to live. It’s like a shadow that follows me around all day. A shadow that only I can see. Its icy hand grips mine and won’t let go. 7db42f10a7a5cb6908a33a69090579f1

Most of the day I am numb. I feel empty. And that is worse than the heavy feeling in my chest.

I have been fighting this battle for as long as I can remember. I have mastered the Disney Princess smile and the sing song voice. I am the happiest girl in the world to those on the outside. I smile, I laugh, I chat, and I joke.

I think the biggest joke, is my “happiness”

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5 thoughts on “My Slice Of Life: Confession

  1. Holy. Cow. This is so powerful. As soon as I started reading I was hooked. Your descriptions of the shadow and the weight you feel is so beautiful written. I’m almost rendered speechless. What brave writing! Thank you for sharing, I can’t imagine how hard it was too share this. But thank you. It is a piece that really stays with you. Amazing.

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  2. This just seems so out of place for being written by someone who seems to have absolutely everything going for her. Even the writing here is top notch. It takes a lot to share something like this, and you should be proud. 🙂

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  3. That final line is so powerful. In the words of JLo, I got goosies. (Me and my son are big American Idol fans. If you’re not, that probably makes no sense!) Thank you for writing & publishing this. It makes me think about something we talked about in class last night–we don’t know from the outside of someone what’s going on inside and the different struggles that people have.

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